Between the pain and the chronic infections, I’ve passed out twice so far today. I got one of the tutors to cover the last half of my lab section after I passed out the second time (the first time was while I was getting on the bus to go to work), but I have to stay on campus until 8:30 or so to proctor an exam.
The doctor says that it’s not (very) contagious, just an over-reaction from my immune system, and there’s really nothing he can do, so there’s no real reason for me to go home.
That thought in and of itself is pretty toxic – I’m still stuck in this mindset that my comfort and health don’t matter as much as how they affect others. A sick day isn’t meant to make me feel better, it’s to prevent others from getting sick. I can tell myself over and over that it’s okay to take a day like this off, to go home and sleep and let someone else check my section into and out of the exam…but it doesn’t sink in. I know that this line of thought is harmful to me and to those around me, but I get so depressed when I fail to achieve even in the modest task which was my charge (but at least I didn’t steal any money or unrepentantly betray anyone’s trust? Sort of?).
So, I’m staying here in the library until 6:30, then going back to proctor.
Update: I should have gone home. There really wasn’t anything to do besides check students into the exam. It wouldn’t have added that much work to anyone else’s plate. I also – Spoiler Alert! – made myself more sick by staying so late. Pointless.